A Most Modest Proposal Concerning the Annual Celebration of Fathers

ChatGPT created image for "give me a humorous image of a stern and tired father overwrought by his paternal duties.

What I asked of ChatGPT: "Give me an essay reminiscent of Jonathon Swift's "Modest Proposal" that uses the same rationale that conservatives use against LGBTQ pride events to argue against Father's Day." Results below...

It has come to my attention that every year, on a Sunday in June, countless citizens are subjected to a highly public and organized display known as "Father's Day." While many defend this custom as harmless, I believe it deserves the same scrutiny we routinely apply to other identity-based celebrations.

First, I must question why fathers feel the need to devote an entire day to publicly announcing that they are fathers. Surely, if fatherhood is a private matter, it ought to remain private. No one objects to fathers existing. Indeed, most of us have at least some familiarity with the concept. Yet every year we are confronted with Father's Day cards, Father's Day advertisements, Father's Day sales, Father's Day brunches, Father's Day ties, Father's Day mugs, Father's Day lawn equipment promotions, and Father's Day social media declarations.

I ask only: why must it be so visible?

Many insist that Father's Day is merely a celebration. However, one cannot help noticing the effort devoted to introducing children to fatherhood at an early age. Schools encourage students to make cards. Television programs air special tributes. Restaurants advertise family events. What message does this send to impressionable young minds? Might some child begin to wonder whether he, too, should become a father one day?

I am not suggesting that fathers should be ashamed. Far from it. I have several acquaintances who are fathers, and some of them are perfectly pleasant. My concern is not with fathers themselves, but rather with the increasingly public nature of fatherhood.

There is also the troubling matter of representation. In recent years, fathers have appeared in countless commercials, sitcoms, and family photographs. One can scarcely purchase a greeting card without encountering them. At what point does simple acknowledgment become promotion?

The defenders of Father's Day often reply that fathers have historically played important roles in society and therefore deserve recognition. Yet if we begin granting commemorative holidays to every group that has contributed to civilization, where shall it end? Shall we have a day for plumbers? A day for accountants? A day for people who remember where the extra batteries are kept?

A civilized society cannot survive such excess.

Some extremists even argue that Father's Day helps children appreciate positive paternal role models. This reasoning is deeply concerning. It implies that celebration itself has educational value. If we accept that premise, we may find ourselves tolerating all manner of commemorative events whose purpose is to foster understanding, gratitude, or social cohesion.

The consequences are too dreadful to contemplate.

Therefore, I propose a reasonable compromise. Fathers may continue being fathers, provided they do so quietly. They should refrain from requesting special cards, gifts, meals, acknowledgments, or public expressions of appreciation. Family gatherings should be conducted behind closed curtains. Advertisers should avoid mentioning fatherhood altogether. Any citizen wishing to express gratitude toward a father may do so discreetly and without attracting attention.

In this manner, we may finally achieve the ideal society in which everyone is free to exist, provided nobody notices.

I can think of no objection to this proposal except, perhaps, that applying such reasoning consistently reveals its absurdity.