Fake it Until You Make It

Choose happiness (ChatGPT enhanced image)

I used to hate roller coasters. They scared the hell out of me and every time that I would convince myself that they "might be fun" or would get on one to placate my friends and try to get value from the super expensive park entrance fee, I would be cranking up that first big hill but eying the service steps along the uphill and think: "it's not too late! I could just get out and walk down."

And then one day, I got on one of those old wooden monstrosities at Hersey Park in Pennsylvania and sat down and locked myself into the seat: feet and legs rigid against the floorboards and a death grip on the foam lap bar that would likely leave permanent indentations. And about halfway through I felt an pain in my back that resulted from me becoming rigid in a situation that required mobility. And it continued to ache even when the ordeal was over.

Not wanting to be "a quitter," I was determined to get on another coaster, later that day. The next one was more modern and promised to be less rough but I was coaxed into the front seat and waited in fear and pain for it to start all over again. My back already hurt from the first coaster: how could this be a good idea?!. And as we cranked up the first hill before that awful first drop, I willed myself to relax. When we went over the top: I willed myself to "free fall" and to just try to feel "gravity free" and to enjoy it. Being locked into my seat had caused my first injury and I needed to avoid any additional damage. And imagine my delight when I found out that this was the way for me to enjoy roller coasters. And I've used that skill ever since. I found myself actually smiling and enjoying the ride. Quelle surprise!

Life can be hard these days. Let me rephrase that: life will be hard. There will be ups and downs. Existence in 2026 is frequently a very difficult time and place for many of us. Politics; inflation; age; complexity; compromise; technology; disease: it all takes its toll.

I'm not the best spiritualist. I don't do formal mediation. I barely get to the gym. I was raised as a protestant Christian but now probably call myself "agnostic" or maybe Buddhist a bit. I love some of the elements of Christianity that I have learned but I lean more towards those religions that focus on being the best version of yourself more than on making sure that a neurotic "old bearded man in the sky" is not feeling insecure about my levels of adoration for and obeyance of him. That's not the "heavenly father" that any us need or should expect. If you try to picture an ideal version of our biological fathers: are they more concerned with whether they are being obeyed or whether or not their kids are happy? Ok: that may be a bad example in some cases but it illustrates my point.

Sure, there are solutions: being rich can help to ameliorate some of that hardness (or so I hear.) So can making smart decisions. And having good health is a big advantage, as well. But many of these assets are essentially beyond our control. Hard and focused work will steer us in the right direction but the very concept of "privilege" is that our circumstances drop us at our individual starting spots and not everyone begins at the same point on our shared journeys. Wisely, I chose a career that I loved (being a librarian) but unwisely chose a career that wouldn't make me rich. Having the support of your family and friends (if we are lucky enough to have a large cadre of them) is super helpful. Lean on them. Use them. And count on them to do the same when they need it. But that network may not be extensive in everyone's case and my point is: we can tweak those variables but many of those blessings are things that take on a life of their own.

But even with all of the resources in the world, the best defense against the slings and arrows of life is building up your EQ ("emotional quotient.") Buddhist philosophy says: "No mud, no lotus." And also: "pain is certain, suffering is optional." I couldn't choose between the wisdom of these two expressions but they both imply that our minds are one of the things that we can control. Emotions may happen to us but they are not beyond our control. It just takes a lot of work and focus to transcend (or tolerate?) them.

We are personally responsible for our happiness. Not those around us. Not our spouses or our bosses. Not our checking accounts. Us. But how to do it? How can we find happiness when our "needs" or wants are not being met? I read a book many years ago called The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle that gave me some tools that I still use and which help me to face bad days.

As evidenced by the title: The Power of Now says that we need to live in the moment and that our disappointments come from having too much focus on our wants or desires and that our expectations and desires fuel our disappointments. We want to be rich. We want to be popular. We want to be famous. We want a fancy house. And at some point: these "wants" may turn into "needs." And disappointment thrives if we do not get them fulfilled. Tolle illustrated the point by reminding us that infants shriek and wail when their favorite pacifier is not in their mouth. They are bereft without it and cannot conceive of a moment that does not include it. Eventually though: they out grow that naivete.

The implication of this is simple: as we mature, we can learn to avoid subjecting ourselves to excessive wants or needs and, by doing so, we can avoid the range of emotions that come flooding in when these cravings are unfulfilled: disappointment, resentment, anger, frustration, etc., etc., etc..

I don't have any magic solution for reducing expectations or tamping down emotions. They are necessary up to a point and serve a real function and shouldn't be ignored completely. But I have found that, after acknowledging them, it helps me if I stop and think: what is this emotion trying to tell me? Am I afraid? If so: of what? Am I angry? Why? I find that it helps if I look at my emotions, learn what they are trying to tell me, and then PUT THEM AWAY. Yes: super WASPY, I know. Sounds like repression.

But our subconscious minds are very powerful and letting them overcolor our days and lives is simply giving them too much power. It's the difference between adding a little red to a painting versus throwing a bucket of red paint over the entire canvas. I find that when I am frustrated: it is because I want something or think that I need it. But sometimes a simple imaging of the alternative can relieve so much tension and strain. For me: indecision causes anxiety but if I take a few minutes to picture an outcome that is the opposite of what I may "want," then I find it frequently is not as terrible as my fear of it would have me believe.

We cannot escape our emotions but we can limit their influence over us. They say that a smile is contagious. Try it on a bad day and you may find how true that is.